I LOVE MY CHILDREN

Funny Story: I started this post last year around mother's day. I have alot of those posts. One's that I start because I think I have something to say but it isn't exactly right or I started them because the way I had my posts set up is that once it was created it would stay creat a place holder and all of my posts would stay in chronological order. Apparently I changed that without knowing because instead of posting it there it posted it here. It is so fun to go back and read what I was thinking a year ago. I remember so vividly the day I wrote this. I really should keep this blog up better so that I can use it as a journal.

****May 2009****
Another Mother's Day has come and gone, but regardless of the day I am a mother. EVERYDAY, EVERY HOUR, EVERY MINUTE, EVERY SECOND. I am not going to lie, there are days that I just want to take a personal day or a mental health day, there are days that I feel like I am going to go crazy and all I want is to feel sane again, but I am so grateful that I have Beckett & Monroe. I don't know what I would do without either of them.

When I went down to St. Louis, to work on the house, I dropped the kids off at my parent's house Saturday afternoon and they kept them until Monday morning. I missed Beckett & Monroe so much. I talked to my mom and while we were talking Monroe was crying and I could just see her little face in my mind. My heart yearned to hold her and to see her quivering little lips and to wipe her little tear off of her little cheek. I know it's kind of corny but I missed her and I missed Beckett and his craziness, he never fails to make me laugh. When Beckett got out of the car on Monday I just hugged him, he apparently didn't miss me as much because he demanded that he stayed with Nona and then got back into the carseat.

As we are preparing to leave Michigan and start a new chapter of our life I can't stop thinking about what has brought me to this point. On Mother's Day back in 2006 Scott and I were asked to talk in Sacrament meeting. It was so hard for me to write that silly talk. I mean seriously I have a mother. I love her how hard can it be to talk about her and mother's in general. I remember the girl who spoke directly before me. She talked about how great her mom was and how much she loved her and I remember getting up behind her and telling everyone how MEAN my mom was. She made me eat things I didn't want to eat, she made me clean, she wouldn't let me do what I wanted when I wanted. She made me take naps. She put cayenne pepper in my mouth if I said something I shouldn't. She spanked me if I went into the street. She was a wretched woman who was such a kill joy. I mean sure she loved me and she showed me but her job was more than that. I am sure she didn't enjoy it all the time but the role of a mother isn't always full of sugar and spice. Sometimes it's painful for everyone involved. Little did I know that I was at the earliest stage of pregnancy and that in 9 months I was going to know what being a mother really was. The past 3 years have been a rollercoaster of emotions. I love the sweet and tender moments that I have been able to share with Beckett and now with Monroe. I know that one day they I will not be their favorite person and vice versa. But I will always love them more than anything in this world. I am so grateful that I have had the oppurtunity to be their mommy.