9/11/11 - :(

The past couple of days have housed a hodgepodge of feelings and emotions. The most significant started with a phone call that I got Friday night (9/9/11) as we were putting B  & M to bed. It was my mom, my Aunt Vickie was sick and back in the hospital and the doctor's didn't think she would make through the night. I immediately changed. As Scott and I discussed the plans for the evening and the next morning all I could do was sob. Monroe, immediately picked up on my crying and started herself, which lead to a series of concerned questions from B. I comforted both B and M and let them know that Vickie was very sick and I was just very sad; they snuggled with Scott and I drove to GC to see her. I was full of regret. Regret that I hadn't seen her sooner, that I had waited until now. I got to the hospital and Tia met me at the door, lead me to the room and left, she said that she couldn't be there anymore. When I walked into the room I was filled with sadness as I looked at the woman who will eternally be known as a spunky red head. She laid there, her eyes vacant of life, mouth open , unresponsive and struggling to breath. To the left was my mom and the right was Kevin, her husband. I didn't know what to do or feel. I didn't know what questions I was supposed to ask. I just sat there like the others, holding her hand and looking at the monitors. Comments were made about how the time that the blood pressure was taken was bitter sweet; we all sat there waiting for something to improve but inevitably it just kept getting worse.
There was a limit of 3 people to the room. One of her cousins came in and I thought that it was appropriate that I leave the room and allow someone else to be there. I made it to the waiting room and told the other cousin that she could take my place. I don't know  if the ER workers noticed that there were 4 people in the room, but I am not sure they cared either way. I was only in the waiting room for a few minutes or so when my mom burst through the door and said that I HAD to come back. I was walking and she said you may want to walk faster or she might be gone by the time we get back to the room. We made it back in time. In time for me to watch the last breaths of air being taken in. In time for me to watch the monitor show the last beat of her heart. In time to watch my Uncle Kevin's heart fall apart. As I sit here writing I am torn as to my thoughts on the experience; maybe I should have walked a little slower or maybe things happen for a reason and I will learn some really deep lesson/understanding for the value of a life. I am not sure the reason. And honestly, I am not sure that I have fully accepted all that has happened. But I wanted to write it down.
I have never seen anyone die. Maybe that's why it doesn't seem real. We sat there in the room with Vickie until her sister made it there from her 4 1/2 hour drive. Even then, I don't know that I accepted the reality. I knew she had passed but she looked like she was sleeping. Her body was still warm. She looked so beautiful. Her complexion was pale and beautiful. I hadn't see her look so good in such a long time. She looked so peaceful.I sat there and watched Kevin hold her hand and rub it. I knew that he was rubbing it to prevent her fingers from turning purple, but it was therapeutic, I know because when he would get up I would take over and then quickly returned her hand to him when he was settle again. A few people came up to visit, but it was uncomfortably casual. We are sitting there with a recently deceased person and yet the conversations would never have clued you in to that. I sat and watched Kevin. He was mourning the loss of his wife and here were visitors talking about motorcycle accidents...and RANDOM things. I was annoyed for him. I don't know if it helped him. I don't know how the grieving process works. Maybe it was good to have something distract him from the reality.  I stayed until Dawnie got there. I met her at the door, we hugged and she said I want to see her. I showed her to the room, said my goodbyes and with that my mom, Debbie and I all left to our respective homes. Scott was concerned that I might be driving home in the wee hours of the morning by myself, he insisted that I stay at my parents' house if I felt tired and didn't think that the 2 Mountain Dews I brought would be effective, by the time I left though, maybe 2am, I wasn't tired. I think my brain turned off and quit processing anything. I wanted to preserve that feeling as long as possible. I was grateful for a friend needing chocolate and for a 24 hour Wal-Mart. Where else can you go at 2:30 in the morning and wander aimlessly and fill your brain and arms with random stuff. I started looking at allergy medicine, then went down the clearance aisle, then made my way to get hangers and finally to the chocolate. I loved having my biggest challenges being the type of hangers/chocolate...I was in a different place I walked slower than normal. I had nothing in my mind of great importance. I liked it. Unfortunately, I have been put on a spending freeze and this outing was not conducive to our goal and I had walked through the entire store. By the time I got home I still wasn't ready to feel. I tried to play Scrabble. But that wasn't too productive. Scott woke up, I thought I should probably go to bed. That is when it hit me. I just watched someone that I loved very much die. I sobbed for a little but fortunately as the numbness wore off my exhaustion increased and I was able to go to sleep. Saturday seemed unreal. I woke up to a quiet house, I ran to the temple picked up some Gs for the funeral, went to Border's and Home Depot and came home to a napping husband and 2 delinquent children who quickly beckoned me to their rooms to declare that they didn't need naps. Later in the evening my mom called to share the funeral arrangements. The viewing is Tuesday and the funeral is Wednesday. I am not looking forward to it. I don't want to ruin the last image I have of her. I haven't had to go to too many funerals of people that I have been close to. But I have 2 that are fresh in my mind. My grandmother's and my Uncle Greg's, I remember the despair that I felt as I looked at them in their caskets. I know the pit of emptiness that I feel when I want to talk to them. Or when their birthday's come and go. I am not ready to add to that list. A funeral makes it forever and REAL.
I know death is inevitable but I don't like it. I am selfish. I miss my Grandmom. I miss my Uncle Greg and now I am left with a pit of knowing that Vickie is going to be added to that list. I think I am going to try and stay numb for just a moment longer.