SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday morning, as I woke from my much interupted slumber I convinced Monroe to jump out of our bed and give me atleast another minute of quiet time with a semi masterful plan. I would send her to check and see if there was snow. I was hoping that the answer would be know, in fact I was almost positive that the answer would be no; however, that was not the case. She came back excitedly to confirm that there was indeed snow and that she wanted to go out and play in it.

 We woke up Beckett in a similar manner, his reaction, slightly different. He hurriedly clothed himself, put on his "hard workin' man" boots, his coat and begged to go outside. I agreed. Monroe followed. They played for a short amount of time and then came in wet. Beckett begged me to let him make a snow angel. I denied him of his chance for pure joy for the morning. In my defense, it was cold, the roads were bad and I did not want him to get his clothes wet. They both came  in still wet, regardless of my attempt, taking off boots, socks, coats...I am not even sure what else, I left to go to work leaving Scott there to figure it out.

The roads were HORRIBLE!!! Seriously horrible, I think the street dept must have been just as skeptical of the snow as I was, because there was nothing. The Honda Civic in front of me took 5 minutes to get up a 2o degree incline, IF THAT.

WORK was BLAH BLAH BLAH...Shall we fast forward?

I picked up Beckett and the FIRST thing he asked when we were alone was MOM CAN I MAKE A SNOW ANGEL. I told him that I didn't know if it was a good idea, when we got home, he asked again. I agreed this time and HE WAS FILLED WITH BLISS.

May I present to you.....OUR MUCH ANTICIPATED SNOW ANGEL!!!!

He did a REALLY good job don't you think?

 As always, whatever Beckett does, Monroe is sure to follow.

 Notice Beckett's Jeans

And here Monroe is loving life whilst Beckett is making yet another snow angel.

It was cold, I am thoroughly looking forward to the 40-50 degree weather, that is just around the corner . But I am so happy that the wee ones were able to enjoy a minimal amount of snow.

Tomorrow, they will be broken. As it will start the 40 degree "heat wave".

No more monkeys jumping on the bed

Train, Bus, Jail...Closet

Beck and Ruby love to pretend that our closet is something other than a closet. They pull their stuff into it and then take as many hangers as they can find and hang them on the knobs of our dresser.

Mills Apple Farm

Want to know what great is? Don't worry I am going to tell you. Can you handle the suspence? Probably not.

Great is getting a text from your aunt saying that she is going to in town unexpectedly and being able to coordinate a whole weekend to hang out with family.

Day 1: Grant Fork, IL

So Shannon, my sister, that lovely lady and her cute family moved out to the middle of nowhere. There city literally has a population of 250 people. I suppose it is 256 now with their clan, but none the less it is may as well be East Egypt.

It was well worth the trip. Shannon and Chris are definitely the hostesses with the mostess (kids that is, hehe). Seriously though they had a day of greatness planned and even though I was in a slightly crotchety mood to start the day, all my feelings of angst disappeared from the moment I decided to stop by Dunkin Donuts, I suppose the hour long car drive may have had something to do with it...

When we arrived we sat and gabbed for a while, helped open cans for the chili and then finally made our way to Mills Apple Farm. Which is conveniently located in East Egypt also. It was the most perfect day to be out in the elements. There was a fun chicken coup/maze thing, a tractor, and these wooden gliders, kept the kids occupied.  

 Finally it was time for apple picking and a tractor ride. Beckett was thrilled that we were driving on a dirt road.. That is really a whole nother story. Just know that thrilled is an understatement of his actual excitement.

 Lowell, gave us our speihl and then we were off into the wild (Fuji apple orchird, which was actually spelled Fiji in the store so I am a little confused)

 I think it is safe to say that geniusness runs in our genes and we are all most definitely the best apple pickers that farm has ever seen. Look at these winners.

 We then made our way to the Granny Smith's there were ALOT of apples. I think we were all pretty pooped by the time it was time to be retrieved.

 We all headed up the road a couple miles and feasted on some of the best chili I have had, along with lasagna and homemade apple pie.

And we can't possibly forget the yumminess of the two newest members of our family: Allison Laura and Parker Allen.

**** Calling all Yurcisins (new and old) - I know that there are more pictures hanging around somewhere...If any of you have some of the group or babies I would love to have them.

Can I sleep wif you?

Lately Monroe has decided that she does not sleeping by herself. She has been asking Beckett if she can sleep with him. He is a good big brother and says yes and has deemed himself as her protector. So cute.

This Morning's Dialogue (per Scott)

Monroe: (upon waking up, first words) – Dad, why are you wearing a purple shirt?

Scott: Honey, this is a pink shirt.
Monroe: Dad, why are you wearing a pink shirt?
Scott: I’m not sure. This is just what I’m wearing today.
Monroe: That’s a girl’s shirt.
Scott: Oh.

Then, later at Michelle’s:
Monroe (speaking to Michelle): Hey Michelle, Michelle, Hey Michelle.
Michelle: Yes Monroe?
Monroe: My dad is wearing a purple shirt.
Michelle: I think that’s a pink shirt.
Monroe: My dad is wearing a pink shirt.
Michelle: Yes, I see that.
Scott: Monroe, my shirt is fine.

9/12/2011

Today is not shaping up to be good. My mom called because she needs something that I have in order to dress Vickie. My little brother was coming to get them. I left and while I was gone. I rear-ended a car. YUP! that is awesome. But it gets better. The driver was the boyfriend of the owner. There was minimal damage and I figured it would be less than our $500 deductible. So we exchanged info. He was super nice. His name was Von. His girlfriend...NOT SO NICE. Kind of a B. She took it to get a quote. $800. Yup. She hasn't called me regarding the cost yet. I called my insurance. It is reported. Should have got a police report. I know that. But at the time I was not thinking. I have shut off emotion/common sense since the passing of Miss Vickie Lynn. I am still not ready to deal with it. I don't want to think about watching the life leaev someone. I thnk I most definitely have some seriously repressed feelings. I don't think the viewing or the funeral will go well. I did not need the car issue today...

9/11/11 - :(

The past couple of days have housed a hodgepodge of feelings and emotions. The most significant started with a phone call that I got Friday night (9/9/11) as we were putting B  & M to bed. It was my mom, my Aunt Vickie was sick and back in the hospital and the doctor's didn't think she would make through the night. I immediately changed. As Scott and I discussed the plans for the evening and the next morning all I could do was sob. Monroe, immediately picked up on my crying and started herself, which lead to a series of concerned questions from B. I comforted both B and M and let them know that Vickie was very sick and I was just very sad; they snuggled with Scott and I drove to GC to see her. I was full of regret. Regret that I hadn't seen her sooner, that I had waited until now. I got to the hospital and Tia met me at the door, lead me to the room and left, she said that she couldn't be there anymore. When I walked into the room I was filled with sadness as I looked at the woman who will eternally be known as a spunky red head. She laid there, her eyes vacant of life, mouth open , unresponsive and struggling to breath. To the left was my mom and the right was Kevin, her husband. I didn't know what to do or feel. I didn't know what questions I was supposed to ask. I just sat there like the others, holding her hand and looking at the monitors. Comments were made about how the time that the blood pressure was taken was bitter sweet; we all sat there waiting for something to improve but inevitably it just kept getting worse.
There was a limit of 3 people to the room. One of her cousins came in and I thought that it was appropriate that I leave the room and allow someone else to be there. I made it to the waiting room and told the other cousin that she could take my place. I don't know  if the ER workers noticed that there were 4 people in the room, but I am not sure they cared either way. I was only in the waiting room for a few minutes or so when my mom burst through the door and said that I HAD to come back. I was walking and she said you may want to walk faster or she might be gone by the time we get back to the room. We made it back in time. In time for me to watch the last breaths of air being taken in. In time for me to watch the monitor show the last beat of her heart. In time to watch my Uncle Kevin's heart fall apart. As I sit here writing I am torn as to my thoughts on the experience; maybe I should have walked a little slower or maybe things happen for a reason and I will learn some really deep lesson/understanding for the value of a life. I am not sure the reason. And honestly, I am not sure that I have fully accepted all that has happened. But I wanted to write it down.
I have never seen anyone die. Maybe that's why it doesn't seem real. We sat there in the room with Vickie until her sister made it there from her 4 1/2 hour drive. Even then, I don't know that I accepted the reality. I knew she had passed but she looked like she was sleeping. Her body was still warm. She looked so beautiful. Her complexion was pale and beautiful. I hadn't see her look so good in such a long time. She looked so peaceful.I sat there and watched Kevin hold her hand and rub it. I knew that he was rubbing it to prevent her fingers from turning purple, but it was therapeutic, I know because when he would get up I would take over and then quickly returned her hand to him when he was settle again. A few people came up to visit, but it was uncomfortably casual. We are sitting there with a recently deceased person and yet the conversations would never have clued you in to that. I sat and watched Kevin. He was mourning the loss of his wife and here were visitors talking about motorcycle accidents...and RANDOM things. I was annoyed for him. I don't know if it helped him. I don't know how the grieving process works. Maybe it was good to have something distract him from the reality.  I stayed until Dawnie got there. I met her at the door, we hugged and she said I want to see her. I showed her to the room, said my goodbyes and with that my mom, Debbie and I all left to our respective homes. Scott was concerned that I might be driving home in the wee hours of the morning by myself, he insisted that I stay at my parents' house if I felt tired and didn't think that the 2 Mountain Dews I brought would be effective, by the time I left though, maybe 2am, I wasn't tired. I think my brain turned off and quit processing anything. I wanted to preserve that feeling as long as possible. I was grateful for a friend needing chocolate and for a 24 hour Wal-Mart. Where else can you go at 2:30 in the morning and wander aimlessly and fill your brain and arms with random stuff. I started looking at allergy medicine, then went down the clearance aisle, then made my way to get hangers and finally to the chocolate. I loved having my biggest challenges being the type of hangers/chocolate...I was in a different place I walked slower than normal. I had nothing in my mind of great importance. I liked it. Unfortunately, I have been put on a spending freeze and this outing was not conducive to our goal and I had walked through the entire store. By the time I got home I still wasn't ready to feel. I tried to play Scrabble. But that wasn't too productive. Scott woke up, I thought I should probably go to bed. That is when it hit me. I just watched someone that I loved very much die. I sobbed for a little but fortunately as the numbness wore off my exhaustion increased and I was able to go to sleep. Saturday seemed unreal. I woke up to a quiet house, I ran to the temple picked up some Gs for the funeral, went to Border's and Home Depot and came home to a napping husband and 2 delinquent children who quickly beckoned me to their rooms to declare that they didn't need naps. Later in the evening my mom called to share the funeral arrangements. The viewing is Tuesday and the funeral is Wednesday. I am not looking forward to it. I don't want to ruin the last image I have of her. I haven't had to go to too many funerals of people that I have been close to. But I have 2 that are fresh in my mind. My grandmother's and my Uncle Greg's, I remember the despair that I felt as I looked at them in their caskets. I know the pit of emptiness that I feel when I want to talk to them. Or when their birthday's come and go. I am not ready to add to that list. A funeral makes it forever and REAL.
I know death is inevitable but I don't like it. I am selfish. I miss my Grandmom. I miss my Uncle Greg and now I am left with a pit of knowing that Vickie is going to be added to that list. I think I am going to try and stay numb for just a moment longer.

I know, I know, you probably want more pictures and less of me filling this blog with words and nonsense. I just feel like I have so much to say. I think it will proabably decrease the amount of words that I will have to include in all of those wonderful posts with pictures. Honestly, I think that it is super smart to bury all of my thoughts behind then many, many posts of pictures so...if you are with me then, let's go.

I have been thinking a lot lately of choices. Do you realize how many choices we have to make? And that after you make a choice you have to live with that decision? Scott and I are trying to teach our kids about this. I am not sure how well but we are trying. One thing that I LOVE about Beckett is that he wakes up ready to go. Monroe, well, she used to be that way and then there was a time that she would wake up and I would have to put her right back in bed and tell her that if she felt grumpy when she woke up then she should lay in her bed until she could be happy and polite. I am happy to say that that has been relatively successful. She is not quite as excited as Beckett but she is progressing quite well. (neither of them know what it is to sleep in, I would love if one day they decided that they were cranky and just wanted to go back to sleep) We are trying to teach them that our attitude can change a situation. That they are big and that they have brains and that they are problem solvers. I tell B & M that if I have to resolve a conflict that my resolution is going to be that they have to go to their room and play by themselves until they are ready to try again. Usually that works pretty well. Last night though, I heard Monroe fuss, Beckett say I am sorry, Monroe open her door, Beckett saying are you going to tell on me, I am not happy that you are telling mom. I am not happy. I am walking away. I do not want you to tell mom. Monroe walked right past my bedroom door, even though she knew I was in there and walked toward the family room (I don't think she ever intended on telling on him) but what I did do was make Beckett come in and tell on himself. Poor kid.

That is not really the reason for this post...Well I guess it is...

I just don't know if this is the right place to start.

I Heart this man!!!!

Step away ladies (and gents) he's mine...

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!!

NO, NO, NO, NO

It was delivered nicer than that but this is all that I can compute...
I guess it is my own fault for getting prematurely excited.
I am sad.
I suppose I will have to get over it.
Or change it.
I am confused.
and
DEFEATED!!

Guess What...

I am emotional - You probably know that. It is how I am wired. When I was growing up my brothers (I don't recall any one of them specifically but more collectively) would tease me when we were watching movies that they knew the movie wasn't over until I cried. Yes. I cried at almost every movie I watched. That Disney guy really knew how to make a tear jerker. I am still emotional. I internalize things. I put myself in the "other" person's shoes. If we friends you probably know this and you have probably been annoyed more than once, but there is 2 sides to every argument...

I am sensitive - Enough said.

I am honest - I will tell you how I feel. Especially if we are friends. I will tell you what I think, because I think that friends deserve honest communication. If we aren't friends I will still probably tell you what I think, if you ask. 

I am insecure - This poses a slight problem seeing as I am emotional and was probably a catalyst to the whole honest thing. When I was pregnant with Beckett, something changed. I realized life was too short to not be honest, I had to get over some of my insecurities because, well I just did. I am super insecure about my looks... Shocker right...Again, my brothers, this time I know exactly which ones. Used to tease me. I brought my first boyfriend to my house, Brian Halderman, and my Older Brothers openly teased me about the size of my chest. They call my little ladies mosquito bites. They asked if I got a good scratching in so that they would be bigger. Ah, childhood memories. I used to say that I would never get married because I didn't think that anyone would ever find me attractive. I have gotten over some of that. Maybe it was because I went up to an E when I was nursing Beckett and realized that I did not like HUGE boobs. Or maybe it's because, I have an amazing husband who loves me, or because I have two incredibly adorable children...Or deep down I know that when/if  I have enough money I can change some of the things that are super bothersome. I still have my insecurities but who doesn't?

There are so many aspects to who I am. Sometimes I am afraid to put it out there. A lot of the time. I have been told that I come across and snobby, condescending and super confident...I am intrigued how that can be. How can I portray so much of something that I am not feeling? I mean the condescending thing, I get, I have always had to fight to be heard. We have A LOT of BIG personalities in my family.  I have been told that I have been wrong A LOT growing up. There were so many times that my mom would remember things "differently"  than the actual occurrences, if you ask me, not that you did or anything. I had to go in to detail to make sure that I was right. That carries over. I used to pride myself in my memory. Now it is okay. Not what it used to be. Scott and I have had to go back and forth a couple times, you see all of this transcends to my marriage. Scott has the privilege of having me as an ETERNAL partner.... :) I can honestly say that I am wrong, often. but then again I have moments of greatness where my memory is still a force to be reckoned with. 

I occasionally love to be goofy and let it all hang out - Trying to be a responsible adult is hard. Being a parent is hard.

I am hardheaded when I think I am right. I like to be proved wrong. I like the argument. I like to go back and forth as long as it is friendly. Once something makes sense I need to work it through to change that perception. I know that I might totally be wrong but I need it to make sense. I really loved math growing up. You could work the problems backwards and forward, the numbers didn't lie. If you made a mistake you could find it, correct it. It didn't take memorizing the facts it was more understanding the concept and then you worked the numbers, any numbers,  until it was right, forward and backwards. I think that this is the way I am programed.

I am analytical -  

Yesterday at church a young lady in the ward made a comment. We were talking about stereotypes and how there are many regarding the church, inside and out, and she said that people change the way they are to try to fit the mold better, but really we should all just be ourselves...This is not her exact words, just what I took away from it. 

I am reminded of a quote: "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

— Marilyn Monroe
 

HOARDING

I think I am a hoarder of people. I like to feel needed and important. I think I include too many people connected to the intricacies of my life when in actuality they don't care. I feel safe here, not because this is private forum...maybe one day it will be but because it's mine and there aren't "status updates" that everyone just gets to see. You actually have to seek them out here. And if you car enough about that then I probably don't mind of you know how I feel. My friend had a great idea, create a blog that is private for venting. I may do that or I may do something else all I know is I need to clean out the clutter....figuratively speaking. So there it is.

Define FULLTIME Employment

So I have a FT job. I work outside of my house 40 hours a week. But I think that it is decieving to limit what I do to a FT job. I feel like I really have 2 FULL TIME jobs. And one of them exceeds the 40 hours a week quota. 

 Sometimes I wish I could be a stay at home mom...Maybe the temptation will decrease when Beckett goes to Kindergarden (not until next August).

This past weekend I am pretty sure that I got my 40 hour work week, inside of the home, in 2 days. I think it is safe to say that I accomplished a good amount, however, if you were to come over right now you would think that I layed about for the ENTIRE weekend. I promise I did do something. I think I need to make a list because last night I felt defeated. I need to kick it into high gear so that both jobs get the correct amount of attention.

Scott put me on a spending freeze, or rather our income put us on a spending freeze. So now I am forced to finish the projects that I have started and complete the ones that I have the stuff to do...

I  found my camera charger so pictures should be coming soon.

You know when you have a lot to say/remember but you can't really figure out what to say OR when you have so much to do it's hard to find the right starting point? Well, I am there. On both cases. Over the last 2 1/2 years I have been sub-par. My poor little Roober's baby book is practically empty. All of the memories that have surrouded the last 2 1/2 years are on the verge of being lost. After 2 1/2 years we are still working on our house it is on its way to being "my" space (I say my only because I am the one who is largely in charge of "making our house a home") but I still have SOO far to go. The idea of decorating and organizing a house is an overwhelming feat. I was so excited as we were looking at houses and now, well now I am still excited but I feel like the process has been stunted. I had to start at square one. You see, growing up I was not allowed to put ANYTHING on my walls. My mom is a semi-HUGE advocate of wallpaper and she did not permit her wallpaper to be damaged. I never fought that. I accepted it. I owned it. In fact when I was in college the white walls were almost enough to drive me insane. I wished and hoped for pattern. And then when we moved into our first apt I waited 6-8 months before I really hung anything on the wall. And even when I did finally manage to get something on the wall it was scarce and was usually something that I found for a good price and thought it met the requirement of a decoaration, instead of surrounding myself with things that I loved. It has been a long transition to find myself, and figure out what I like and what I want to look at.

 - Time out: do you know what I am thinking right now...That I am on a tangent. That this IS NOT where I thought this post was going. I have a feeling that a lot of posts might take a turn like this. I think I am a little ADD and I have a bad habit of jumping mentally from one thing to another. Or maybe it is just that I have an inate ability to make a lot of things seem important/find connections/feel the need to explain...blah, blah, blah Maybe I should go back to my original post. I just wanted to take the time to APOLOGIZE one time. Instead of every time that I go off on a tangent...

I may be back logging old things. I just downloaded all of my pictures on to my external harddrive and as I was sorting the pictures into their respective folders I realized that I still remember some of the stories. So pardon me while I use my blog to document things that were. I will hopefully get better at the things that are...but I can make no promises. Now I just have to figure out a systematic way to go back and UPDATE as much of the past 2 years as possible while trying to keep from getting further behind. If anyone has any ideas. I am willing and wanting to hear them.

I am not sure what is bringing all of this on. Maybe it is because babies are looking cute again. You know that feeling where you want to hold someone else's baby. I have not felt that way for a very long time. There are certain children that I have wanted to hold but there have been ALOT that when I see them, hear them, smell them that instead of thinking how cute they are I think how happy I am that I don't have a baby. I am not planning on any additions, and I am not announcing anything. I just think that I have been thinking baout babies lately and the fact that Beckett is going to be 5 and Monroe 3. My babies are not babies, they are little kids, with a personality, an attitude, a voice...I DON'T EVER want to forget them now. I can't even think about adding another baby when I am not pulling my weight with the 2 that I have. I am not judging myself against anyone but myself. I have ideas of what I want to be and what I want to accomplish. I realized that I can only do so much. I do have limits, I don't like to admit it. And other people are much better than me on so many different levels. It is really hard for me to accept that everything isn't easier for me. Growing up things were EASY. I didn't really have to try in school, extra curricular activities...Nothing. I have always been independent, maybe it was forced, as I am the 4th of 10 kids, or maybe I always kept within my level of comfort and never pushed my personal limits. I always just accepted them...sounds kind of familiar... The point is that something has to change. I am 28 years old. I don't want to look back and feel regret. I have had a good taste of that "r" word as I have looked backon the past 2 years. This may not be the best avenue. Maybe I will need to do one of those photobooks and use that. I just need something that I can randomly update. It feels wrong to do that on a blog. I feel like I should be keeping others updated in our life, but the reality is, we don't have a super exciting life. It is pretty monotonous. We do pretty much the same thing day after day, week after week, etc, etc. I don't think that this blog would gain much from me documenting on a daily basis. That being said...Please bear with me and feel free not to read everything. :)